you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
