Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
