Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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