Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
