just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
