Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
