There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
