this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
