my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
