I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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