kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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