Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
