omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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