sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
