you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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