sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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