A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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