I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize