Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who died my cat blue again?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
