I haven't been this sober since birth.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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