i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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