Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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