Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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