They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize