Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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