And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
