Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
