nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
