Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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