tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
