This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
