there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
