just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize