I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
