my shit smells like andre
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
