Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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