there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
