Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
