im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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