when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
