so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
