I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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