just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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