im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
