fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
