I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
