My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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