i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
