I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
