i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
