Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
