he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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