i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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