he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
