So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
