We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
