there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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