Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
