Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
