No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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