I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
