my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
