Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
