Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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